Why Me?
Back in November of 2020, my life appeared to be exactly what I had always wanted. I lived in a great neighborhood in a cozy, charming home in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, I was able to attend church online (because, well, global Pandemic) and our family was blessed to have been able to travel widely, visiting our spread-out family. My husband and I were about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary and we had a beautiful daughter, our gift from God after seven years of infertility. I thought I was happy, or maybe I thought I should be happy.
The view from the inside felt quite different. I was discouraged, bitter and resentful. My husband would express his feeling that I despised him and sometimes when I searched my heart, that didn’t feel that far off. Just months earlier, we had had a horribly painful fight and even months later we still hadn’t been able to work through all the things that were said. I couldn’t see what was what and I was feeling so lost. One day, while scrolling though posts on social media, I was drawn into another woman’s story of frustration, and I started to recognize myself. I kept reading. After I read her comment I was drawn into the responses. I scoured those comments as if they were a lifeline. I needed to know if there was indeed a light at the end of the tunnel, because at that moment I began to see just a bit of the darkness I felt trapped in. As I read through people’s feedback, I came upon two book recommendations. I had heard of one of the books before and had even considered reading it, but hadn’t yet. This time I felt a “knowing”, it was time to read the book. Although the other book was new to me, I was immediately drawn to it.
I checked out both books right away via my online library app and as I began reading, I felt a connection and realization that came with a glimmer of hope. It was something I had considered before but hadn’t put the time in to really understand the dynamics. That day, I began to see how my bitterness and frustration was linked to my own lack of clear boundaries and a spiral of negative thoughts. You see, whenever there was a request made of me, especially by my husband or my daughter, I would (through one way or another, either generously OR resentfully) do my best to make it happen. The problem with this was twofold. My family had learned that even if I said no, with a bit of pushing and prodding, I would eventually change my no to a yes. Secondly, if I changed my answer, I would then be steeped in bitterness and resentment. My Christian faith only magnified this problem because I think underneath my struggle, I felt like saying yes even when I didn’t want to was the “Christlike” thing to do, but I wasn’t actually ok with it. Although this isn’t what my faith actually teaches, clearly I had built some confused beliefs in my walk with Christ. So, the end result was I would blame my husband or my daughter for their request when actually I was mad at myself for giving in. To make matters worse, I would then aim my frustration at whoever “pushed”. So, basically, I was giving in where I didn’t want to and then resenting the person who asked or pushed, when it was up to me to hold that boundary. For better or for worse, it has taken me years to see that dynamic more clearly.
That day, I caught sight of the pattern and started to see that all of this was in my own hands: that I had the ability to shift my own pattern and choose a new way forward, to own what I wanted and didn’t want and to act according to my own heart, guided by my faith in Christ. I also had the opportunity to serve from an authentic, loving place, instead of feeling “forced” by my own beliefs of what a “good wife and mother” would do. I also recognized how much my negative thought patterns were contributing to the pain I felt. It wasn’t an overnight change, but it did start to shift as I recognized what it meant to be honest about my limitations and abilities. I finally started to understand what it meant to have solid boundaries, be clear about them, and be able to express this to others. This has brought immense healing of my heart.
Sometimes the journey takes longer than we plan or hope for but I can tell you: it is worth it. It might be painful and it might not lead where you expected but taking those steps that only you can take, it’s worth the risk and I believe it's what we are called to do.
Things aren't perfect, but my thoughts aren't overrun with self-pity, shame, blame and bitterness anymore. The joy of the Lord has now taken center stage; I trust that God is leading me forward through my pain, despite my weakness. I also trust that He will use all that I have learned to serve those I feel called to walk beside.
There is hope. What you have experienced isn't for nothing and, if you are looking for someone to help you navigate what you have been through and to discover where you are headed, it would be my joy and honor to walk with you as you find your way forward; are you ready to find your missing peace?